I should be in bed...

I should be in bed right now. If I were in bed, I'd be almost asleep and then I wouldn't be sleepy when I woke up in the morning. And yet... I'm here, writing on my blog (and reading my friend's blogs). My room is kind of crazy - its messy, but with clean clothes that I just haven't had time to put away since our day off on Wednesday, and my desk is cluttered with books, a sketch pad, pens and lipstick, and these really cute mirrors that the Fergason kids painted for me (I am trying to figure out how to hang them).

So yes, I should be in bed right now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm 20 again. I look around me at people who are 30 and 40 and I feel like they are these wise and adult people and I realize that inside I feel like I'm 20 and without experience, wisdom or authority. What's ri-dic (as Sarah would say) is that I KNOW its not true - and in fact, I believe truth about myself when push comes to shove. For example, I had a conversation last weekend with a parent who tried to bully me for something that I did not do wrong, and I stood up to this parent, graciously (at least Sarah confirmed that I was not rude), and felt confident about my position even as I tried to find a way to make the parent feel better about the situation - misguided and miscommunicated situation. Incidentally, praying friends... you can pray about that situation. :)

And when I'm in the position to encourage or disciple I feel confident, wise. I know I know God's word (and yet, I know I can learn more). I know the Lord has given me favor, in general, at Baylor. And yet, sometimes I feel intimidated or afraid. Like I'm a 5-yr old who skipped a grade and now has to try to keep up with the big kids.

So the one situation where this is most relevant in my life is: Kenya. Frankly, friends... I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel OK about leading the team, I'm excited about it. But I don't even know where to start. Slowly, I'm amassing a team of 6-7 men and women to come with me (and the 4 other teams) to Nairobi......... but I don't know how to connect with people there to make a plan of action for our 2 weeks there, I don't know how to help these students fundraise when there will be 100+ other students fundraising at the same time, I don't know which ideas are cheesy at Baylor and which are good. ARGH! OK, I can tell by reading my thoughts that I'm having a small crisis of confidence.

Truth moment? I am meeting with Becky, the director of missions, to discuss those questions tomorrow and get on the road to answers. So I'm sure I'll feel better.

For now, and as I prepare to actually go to bed, I'll just remember my reading from this morning and Psalm 18:

verse 2: The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

v.19: He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. (emphasis mine)

vv.28-29: You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

vv 32-36: It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.

Thanks be to God who always comes to us in our distress!